Episode 1: The Republic Show


“Brave is he to allow Masters Windu and Ki Mundi to witness the pilot of this new variety show first hand,” Master Yoda commented to Jedi Master Shaak Ti.

Shaak Ti agreed, “I understand he has much hope in this shows success. Being a single parent of a teenage son is not easy. And after that fiasco of ordering the clone army and his impeachment…Palpatine is struggling financially.”

Each Jedi Master seated themselves in their squashy chairs and activated the Holo-net network and waited for the show’s signal to chime in.

Master Anakin hurried into the room, snatching a datapad by the door and quickly scanned the show’s contents.

“Late again, Master Skywalker?” Yoda asked.

“My deepest apologies, Master.” The small Master detected a whiff of Senator Skywalker’s perfume and thought he saw a hint of red lipstick on the collar of Anakin’s tunic.

Anakin readjusted his off-kilter robe and smoothed his messy sandy blond hair. Averting his blue eyes, he lied, ‘Traffic, you know.” Aloud he read from the disk, “Today we’ve got a variety show produced by former Chancellor Palpatine. He’s appearing in the pilot’s main star as…a comedian? Am I reading this right?”

Obi-Wan Kenobi smirked and replied, “Your reaction was the same as ours when we read that.”

Anakin laughed. “Well I guess we can immediately check this one off as a bomb, don’t you all agree?”

“Patience we must have. Unwise it is to jump to quick decisions, Master Jedi. Otherwise a possible hit we might miss,” Yoda advised, clearing his throat.

Suddenly, the room’s lights dimmed and an incoming signal brought the vast screen to life. The Jedi Council silenced and focused on their task of rating the show’s pilot episode.

The image of a crowded theater appeared with luxurious red velvet curtains covering a stage. The words Episode 1: The Republic Show appeared on the screen

A golden protocol droid followed smartly by a silver and blue astromech droid companion wandered to the center of the stage.

“Good evening to you all! I am See-Threepio, human-cyborg relations and this is my counterpart Artoo-Deetoo!”

The smaller domed droid chirped his greeting.

“We welcome you tonight to the grand premier of The Republic Show!”

The smaller droid bleated impatiently.

C-3PO scolded back, “I was just getting to that you impatient bucket of bolts! Tonight we are pleased to present a very special guest and our show’s producer Former Chancellor Palpatine! Tonight he will dazzle us with his comedic wit!”

From stage right, two figures who occupied the upper balcony seats could be seen. One of the guests sported a spectacularly huge afro and the second had a very large, round head.

From the Council control room, Anakin spied the two guests and cried, “Hey how did Masters Windu and Ki Mundi get invited to this show and not me! It’s not Fair!”

Obi-Wan clucked his tongue and shamefully shook his head. Even twenty years after being granted the title of Jedi Master, Anakin refused to stop whining.

“Sorry,” Anakin said, as the show’s opening sequence began.

Led by intergalactic dancing sensation Oola the Twi’lek, Greeta, Rystall, and Lyn Me pranced across the stage as the mighty Chewbacca pounded out an upbeat tune on his piano in time with the orchestra led by Owen Lars.

A lanky, teenaged Han Solo wearing a long black trenchcoat tipped off his top hat and tap danced across the stage. Loudly he began to sing:

It’s time to play the music!
It’s time to light the lights!
It’s time to get things started…on "The Republic Show" tonight!

Jabba the Hutt slithered onto the stage and wiggled his vast belly in suggestive circles. In Huttesse, he sang:

It’s time to put on makeup!
It’s time to dress up right!
It’s time to get things started!!!!

The cameras panned over to a very bored looking Mace and Ki Mundi.

Mace asked, “Why were we invited here?”

Ki Mundi shrugged and responded, “I guess we’ll never know.”

“It feels like torture to have to watch this show!”

Chewbacca pounded out an upbeat tune to the music while onstage C-3PO and R2-D2 were being covered in layers of clothes by the skimpily dressed dancers. Han was accompanied in the center of the stage by a smartly dressed, grinning teenage Boba Fett. Boba joined Han in song:

It’s time to get things started!
On the most sensational!
Inspirational!
Celebrational!
Galactic-sational!
This is what we call the *Republic Show!*

Loud booms caused confetti to shower down onto the stage.

Owen cued Dexter Jettster. The Besalisk clanged his symbols together. The reverberation promptly caused his pants to slip down to his ankles. Face burning with embarrassment he pulled them back up to cover his vast derriere.

The curtains slammed shut to a very confused looking C-3PO wearing a long women’s yellow gown, four hats on top of his head, and a long feather boa around his neck.

Behind the stage scurrying sounds could be heard. “Oh yes, I am very pleased to introduce our first guest Miss Princess Leia will sing an old Alderaanian funeral dirge for your enjoyment!” C-3PO stated.

The curtains flung open to reveal Leia sitting on top of a coffin. The teenager wore an inappropriately revealing dress as her voice filled the theater with a moving dirge of loss and eternal love. Han tugged the coffin across the stage; stopping occasionally to wipe sweat off of his brow and to cast sly peeks at the lovely girl bellowing out the sorrowful song.

“Since when did you allow your daughter to act?” Luminara asked to a rather befuddled Anakin.

“Well, you know. I’m having to cave on a lot of things…she still hasn’t exactly forgiven me for accidentally blowing up Alderaan,” Anakin said, grimacing. The Jedi Masters frowned at him. “Well how was I supposed to know that Tarkin had crossed the station’s circuit boards? I thought I was just severing their holo-net access due to unpaid bills…not have the system backfire and blow up the whole planet!!”

On stage his teenage daughter’s eyes seethed with hatred as she spat out lyrics about keeping ties of communication open even to the dead. Anakin gulped and asked, “Is it hot in here?”

The curtains then snapped shut on Leia but not before the camera caught Han Solo wiggle an eyebrow suggestively in her direction. The crowd thundered their approving applause.

Obi-Wan hooted with laughter as Anakin glared at the spot where Han had been standing.

Dressed in tight blue spandex, a gold sequin covered cape that read The Amazing Calrissian, Lando tapped C-3PO on the shoulder and asked, “When am I up? I have an Amazing new feat to present to the crowd.” The dark man’s teeth sparkled brightly.

Baffled by this break in the show’s set routine, 3PO said, “I believe you are on after this number, Mr. Amazing.”

“Good,” he slyly repeated. C-3PO watched as Lando strutted off of the stage.

Threepio then addressed the crowd, “Next we are most pleased to introduce to you our most esteemed guest Chancellor Palpatine!”

The curtains opened to reveal a podium. To the far left of the stage a bucket could be seen being shoved onto the stage. A gray haired Palpatine walked across the stage and he stood nervously behind the wooden edifice and smiled.

“Good evening to you all,” he said. “Parenthood…people say children are a gift, but I must say that I often wish I could send my child back COD, if you know what I mean? I mean if given my choice, I would’ve chosen a different model.”

From the side stage, Han Solo peered nervously at his father. The elder statesman scowled as the theater remained stone silent.

Taking another tactic Palpatine said, “What I mean is that before I had my son I used to have a full head of red hair, now look at me, within ten years I’ve turned into an old man. I must tell you all I have discovered eternal youth! Our teenagers suck the life right out of us – thereby extending our life forever by absorbing our life energies!” He beamed at his own cleverness.

The crowd shifted uncomfortably in their seats and an audible hiss could be heard.

From their elevated seats, Mace loudly asked Ki Mundi, “Tell me, has my fro turned white yet? I think it must have for as long as it’s taking this routine to finish.”

“I do fear that I see a white streak appearing, Master Windu,” Ki Mundi replied with a grin.

Palpatine’s smile turned to a frown. From side stage, Han groaned, “Oh oh, I know that face.” Quickly he grabbed Boba by the shoulders and said, “He’s sinking man, we need to save this skit!”

“How?” Boba asked, shrugging Han off of him.

Lando declared, “Leave that to me!”

“I don’t know, think of something,” Han answered. Ignoring The Amazing’s offer, he dashed behind the stage looking for inspiration.

On stage Palpatine continued on with his monologue. “Do you know how an ewok gets from one place to another? E-WOKS! Ha ha ha HA!”

The crowd turned ugly.

Boos echoed throughout the theater as pieces of fruit hurtled towards the stage. Palpatine appeared completely confused by this turn of events.

From the sides of the stage Han Solo motioned for Chewie’s assistance. The wookiee nervously pounded out a merry tune with his furry paws. An unexpected loud *BANG* echoed through the hall. Barely seen at the side of the stage, Lando shot out of his canon and flew up and out of sight.

Palpatine’s next joke was drowned out by the angry shouts of the crowd.

Boba Fett spied a bucket on the stage, picked it up placed it on his head. Now drenched, he began pantomiming the former Chancellor’s motions. His actions were cut short as a screaming Lando Calrissian landed right on top of him, flattening them both onto the stage.

The crowd laughed at the unfortunate antics of the Amazing and Boba. The Chancellor deliriously beamed.

From the balcony, Mace stood up and shouted, “You fool! They’re laughing at those idiots not you! By the power of the Holo-Net Jedi Council, I declare this show is OVER!”

Han who’d just arrived on stage riding on Jabba’s back like a cowboy gulped as he watched his father’s face fell into an ugly scowl.

“No…NO…NO! I believe it is YOU who are mistaken – for it is I who wield unlimited power!” The normally gentile man’s face contorted grotesquely. From his fingertips sizzling blue flashes of Sith Lightning shot out and enshrouded the two Jedi Masters.

The crowd screamed in terror and stampeded out of the theater.

Masters Windu and Ki Mundi’s skeletons flashed from the radiation and they began to smoke. Their shrieks pierced over the screams of the crowd.

The camera suddenly pinwheeled and then the signal went dead.

The Jedi Council sat in stunned silence.

“Guess we should’ve just taken my advice, huh?” Anakin offered.

“Wait we will for the final report from Masters Windu and Ki Mundi,” Yoda stated, got up and began nervously pacing around the room.

An hour later the doors to the chamber opened to reveal two very angry and soot covered Jedi Masters.

Fear crept into Anakin’s heart as his eyes fell upon the two men; Ki Mundi’s once perfectly round head had now distorted into a towering conical shape and Mace Windu’s glorious Afro had been fried completely off leaving his head as bald and smooth as a baby’s bottom.

“What happened?” Obi-Wan ventured.

“Apparently our former Chancellor was harboring Sith tendencies. He’s now safely behind bars…permanently if I have anything to say about it,” Mace growled, massaging his bald head.

“That poor boy, he’s left with nothing,” Shaak Ti said, thinking about Palpatine’s son Han.

“Oh I wouldn’t worry too much about him,” Ki Mundi stated.

“Why is that?” Obi-Wan asked.

“Before we left, I saw him get down on bended knee and propose to that delightful young woman who sang that funeral dirge,” Ki Mundi answered.

Anakin turned as white as a snowstorm on Hoth.

Obi-Wan smirked. “Looks like there is justice in this Galaxy, Anakin - you’ll be paying for this show long after it’s been forgotten by us.”

Everyone laughed at Anakin’s misfortune.

Yoda tapped his cane to gather everyone’s attention. “Vote we must on the future of this show.”

“If we green light it, maybe my fifteen year old daughter won’t get married!” Anakin hopefully pleaded.

Mace glowered as light bounced off of his bald head.

Anakin’s smile fell. “Fine, I vote no.”

One by one the twelve Jedi Masters voted down the show.

Yoda grunted in approval. “It is decided then, “The Republic Show” will not go forward. It is time to move onto the next show, let us hope it will be less eventful than the last.”

“Here, here!” Mace agreed and took his seat. The lights dimmed and the grueling job of voting began again.

Anakin slowly massaged his throbbing forehead as an insipid soap opera began.

Obi-Wan bent over and whispered, “Cheer up, Anakin.”

“Why?”

“This should finally end Luke’s crush on his sister,” Obi-Wan pointed out. “And if it doesn’t, you can always threaten to cut off his other hand.”

Anakin grimaced.

Obi-Wan grinned broadly. “Come on, I’ll buy you a drink.”

Both men got up to leave. Anakin said, “Better make it a triple.”

Obi-Wan laughed and gently pushed his friend towards the door. “Don’t worry, it’s not like this day can get any worse, right?”

The chamber doors opened to reveal a seething, livid Padme Skywalker.

Anakin quickly reached for Obi-Wan but only found empty air as the older Jedi Master had darted back into the safety of the Council chamber room.

In one fluid movement, Anakin collapsed to his knees and said, “I will do anything that you ask, please just don’t yell at me.”

Padme’s brandy eyes sparkled with annoyance. “I’ll leave it to you to figure out how to break off this engagement then.”

Defeated, Anakin nodded, stood up, and embraced his wife. Padme detangled herself from his embrace and smirked. She offered, “You know it probably shouldn’t be that hard.”

“Why’s that?”

“You can always threaten to do to him what you did to Luke,” Padme replied.

Anakin argued, “You know that was an accident, I didn’t mean to cut off his hand…”

“It wasn’t his hand that I was thinking that you could threaten to chop off,” Padme said, her eyes playfully twinkling.

A broad grin stretched across Anakin’s face and he barked out a laugh. “Bless the stars, woman. Remind me to never to cross you.”

Padme grinned and took his hand. Together they left the building to face the teenage lovebirds and trusted that they would find a way to delay the ill-timed event from taking place. Together they would put all traces of Palpatine’s doomed “Republic Show” from their lives forever.



The End

****************************